Tough love is a hard situation to endure, but it is necessary at some point for all teenagers and young adults. Who suffers worse, the parents or the eighteen-year-old or older children who are experiencing the tough love? That question can be answered in a few different ways, but the real answer is everyone suffers at different levels.
Tough love is forcing your children to do something for their own good, to make them stronger. Tough love can mature a child who thinks they are in charge, but that child should be eighteen-year-old or older in most states before you can kick them out of the house. If that child is under 18 then a short stay in foster care allows them to see how good they have it at home.
This article focuses on those children who are eighteen-year-old or older, still in school or not, who live at home and contribute little to the home but stress. The law here in Pennsylvania states that a parent can evict an adult child from their home if that child is unruly even if that child is still in school.
Tough love is forcing them out of the house to experience life on their own, since they feel as if they know everything. If the weather is warm, they will be fine sleeping outside in any small town. They will seek shelter from a friend, they will find food, and they will learn that home is simply not as bad as living on their own.
Resist the urge to allow them to come back in the house after a few days on their own. Just as a younger child, will not learn lessons in being mouthy in a few hours neither will a teenager. Just think of tough love as an extended time out where the child is removed from the house, cut off all ties with the eighteen-year-old or older child and let them fend for themselves for a week or up to a month depending on the severity of the problem.
Resist the urge to set out food for the eighteen-year-old or older child, as the lessons being learned will be better learned if they are forced to suffer for a bit and that includes being hungry. They will not go hungry for long as they have the good and bad friends, who they will ask for food and drink. Perhaps they will learn that the good friends have better food and will leave the bad friends behind. Tough love is hard but so necessary at times.
Resist the urge to set up a tent in the backyard or otherwise provide shelter for the eighteen-year-old or older child, because you are trying to show them that life is hard, unless you go with the flow and follow the rules. Do not reward them for the bad behavior by providing shelter, let them see how life is without you.
It is a hard thing to do, as you are not sure how your eighteen-year-old or older child is fairing without your protection. The child will not learn the necessary lessons if you coddle them, doing things for them and allow them to rule the house. Tough love will cure that rebellion in them, as that child will humble themselves to ask for the help they need.
Giving the eighteen-year-old or older child a week or more to fend for themselves will show them a few things, such as your seriousness about rules, that life is not simple nor sweet, and that you must work together to accomplish the good life. Experts do not call this tough love for nothing, it is stressful for the children as well as the parents.
Tough love will show your child how good they had a life at home and it will settle them down. If you have never had to do it, then you are among the minority of parents who have children who never give them any trouble.
Once the eighteen-year-old or older child has been out of the home for a while, arrange for a meeting with that child. If tough love has worked the magic with which it was created you will see a child who is mellowed out with time.
A clear set of rules must be established before they should be allowed to come home following tough love. The rules should include chores, curfews, as well as contributing to the family in other ways. It does not hurt an eighteen-year-old or older child to help out with family chores, pay rent, or follow a curfew. Actually, all these help an eighteen-year-old or older child become a responsible adult as well as help the rest of the family.
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